Still Fighting It

One day while hanging out with a friend, I asked him why he enjoyed my company. I said, "Why do you hang out with me? I'm so young!" He looked me straight in the eye and replied with all sincerity, "I hang out with people mostly under 20 because they all still have dreams. Everyone my age has given up their own."

The other day, a close friend admitted to me "Dorothy, I don't think that we have as much fun as we used to." Even though I didn't want to concur with his confession, I ultimately thought the same. I thought about it for a minute and replied to him, "I think it's because we're not kids anymore..." He questioned me back saying, "what are you talking about? that was all just like a year ago." I said to him, "I know, but I think we've both just grown up in the past few months and I don't know if it'll ever really be like that again."

I hate sounding emo, but I truly and genuinely wonder...am I just doomed to sink farther in farther into an abyss of pessimism and lethargy the older that I grow? When I think about it, the majority of all my friends are about 23 or above. I express to them the terrifying feeling I get when I think about turning 20, to which they all reply: there's nowhere to go but down from here. Thanks guys.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly never saw myself growing old. Part of me thought I would always be a kid, because I didn't really know how to be anything but. I was always considered much more mature for my age than a lot of my peers, but I knew in my heart that I was just a kid inside. Now though, as true adulthood and independence are coming around the corner for me...I feel I am finally ready to accept it and take on all the responsibilities that I am obligated to.

I remember when my biggest concern was how I was going to get booze for the coming weekend or what I was going to wear the next day. Trivial things that I can't really comprehend how they were a legitimate worry for me. Now, my worries are all about academics, money, and what I'm going to do with my life. These days I have to think about "oh I have to get a job so I can pay my rent so I won't be homeless. I have to work really hard in school because I have to figure my life out so I can find a career and succeed." I admit, part of my depression recently has spawned from me coming to terms with growing up. Some people never really get the overwhelming feeling of fear that I have been plagued with, others know exactly what I am talking about. It sounds so fuckin' ridiculous, fear of turning 20. That's still so young! In fact I still have like 5 more months until I even turn 20 haha. But for me, it's a turning point. I'm at a place in my life right now where I'm finally ready to let go of my adolescence and take on the responsibilities of being an adult. It's a scary thing for me, but I'm man enough to handle it.

I do know one thing though, no matter how much I try to suppress it or fight it...I know that I will always be a kid at heart. As my main man Devendra Banhart once said, "from my womb to my tomb, I guess I'll always be a child." With that, I bid you good night.