It is currently 3:54 am pacific standard time and I haven't felt such a rush of intense emotions for awhile. Well, that's partially a lie because for months now I have been really overly emotional about everything and everybody in my life. But while conversing with a friend tonight, I realized so many things about myself that I hadn't before. I would feel it a waste if I didn't at least try to write some of it down. First (of many) subjects (probably separated in different posts): Music.
Everybody knows I love music. It's one of the main topics I can talk about with the majority of people in my life that I feel really passionate about and that I almost always enjoy conversing about. I feel that pretty much everybody I know considers music a large part of their life in one way or another as well. I realized today though that there are very few people who I feel like I can connect with musically who understand exactly how I feel about it. There are different types of music fans in my mind.
1 ) The cool kid (not): one who listens to certain bands purely for the fact that they can say that they do. Rule # 1 - listen to as many obscure bands as possible!
2 ) The technical kid: there are those in my mind who really truly enjoy the technical aspects of music. Theory, chord progressions, etc.
3 ) The listener: those who just genuinely enjoy music for what it is, the way it sounds, the pleasantness (or lack thereof). Whatever floats your boat really!
I know that first generalization sounds pretty pretentious of me, but c'mon...we all know THOSE guys. I feel I do not know enough about the science of music to be the 2nd kid. And as for the 3rd kid, well...that can apply to 1, 2, and beyond. For me though, and this is said without snobbishness or pretentions, I sometimes feel like I'm almost in a relationship with music. There are times where I can't stand to listen to a certain song because it fuels me with so much emotion inside, then other times where I can't wait to get back to my computer so I can hear a certain diddy that makes me smile from ear to ear. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've come to realize in the past that I have fallen in love so hard with music that it's come to a point where it physically hurts sometimes. To love a song or a band so much that it just hits a certain part of you inside where it begins to make your heart clench.
I have many songs that do that. Whether it's just simply the way a song sounds, or whether it's because the lyrics just so perfectly describe how I'm feeling at that exact moment. I have songs for almost every pivotal experience I have ever gone through. The Moldy Peaches' Nothing Came Out will probably always describe how I felt as an adolescent. Camera Obscura's I Don't Want to See You describes how I always feel at the end of every break up, Mirah's Don't Die In Me describes so fucking perfectly how I feel about this one specific person. So many more from where that came from, but I don't want to figure out my life's mixtape at now 4:19 am.
Anyways, I feel that above else, I am the most passionate about music. Even though I am not a musician by any means, just listening to it puts me in a certain state that nothing else can do. I know I am passionate about other things. Film for example, or writing, or photography, or painting. I am in love with all these things, but I feel music still reigns above everything.
Now that I am nearing 20 and approaching my junior year in college, people keep telling me I need to figure out what I want to do. I can't use the excuse of "oh, i'm young! i still have plenty of time" cause seriously, that shit don't fly no more. I think the reason why I have been so picky about what I want to do as a career is because I haven't found something that I am equally as passionate about as music. And over all else, I refuse to settle. I refuse to work a 9-5 job that I hate where I have to sit in a cubicle and do god knows what for a living. I have always told myself this since I was 14 and I think it's always stuck in the back of my head. I figure that I want to write. I want to write about music, about film, about anything I give two shits about. The only thing I know how to do is art in different forms, that is it. At this point in my life, I'm trying to pave a path for myself where I can a ) figure out what it is exactly that I want to do and b ) succeed.
Growing up is tough. But it's gotta happen sometime. In 2 days, I've got to say goodbye to my childhood/adolescence. I'm becoming such an oldtimer.
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