You know what my favorite part about flying is? The takeoffs and landings. I love that feeling I get when the air pressure rises and my stomach drops. The thrill of knowing that you're being taken to another place, no matter how far away it is from your original departure destination. Every time the plane begins to speed faster and faster, my eyes can never shift away from the window even when the aircraft starts to shake and the noise around me starts to clog up my ears so badly that I can feel them about to burst.

Every time I fly to or back from LA, the first thing I always look forward to is the view from the top. When I arrive in the late hours of the night, I must say...there is no sight more bright and beautiful to me as the lights of los angeles. This sounds odd considering LA is also thought of as a wasteland of pollution and all around disgust, but that view from the top always makes me reconsider.

As I made my trip back to the east coast today, part of me got upset when I found out my seat on the plane. 25C, an aisle seat. No matter what, I usually always book a window seat so I can get that feeling that I always look forward to when we takeoff. However, I didn't get a choice this time (fuck you STA travel). As the plane conducted its usual routine, I noticed the woman who had the window seat in my row pulled the shade down. I panicked for a moment, knowing this was the last time I was going to be able to experience this for half a year. I didn't know what to do, should I ask her to put it back up? Should I just suck it up and let her go to sleep? Thankfully, she pushed the shade towards the sky at the very last moment and I was able to absorb the sight of the pacific ocean for one last time. Soon after, I felt my body take over and slowly drifted off to slumber.

I am currently back in Amherst and I must say, I am glad to be here again. When the plane started to land, I peaked my head towards the window again and saw endless miles of green. I couldn't help but smile to myself knowing that I was back "home." It's funny when your real life becomes your old life and your new life becomes your real life. I always considered the life I lead here in Amherst my "new life." Now, there is no old or new. As a good friend said to me once, "from now on it's just life and life only."

Still Fighting It

One day while hanging out with a friend, I asked him why he enjoyed my company. I said, "Why do you hang out with me? I'm so young!" He looked me straight in the eye and replied with all sincerity, "I hang out with people mostly under 20 because they all still have dreams. Everyone my age has given up their own."

The other day, a close friend admitted to me "Dorothy, I don't think that we have as much fun as we used to." Even though I didn't want to concur with his confession, I ultimately thought the same. I thought about it for a minute and replied to him, "I think it's because we're not kids anymore..." He questioned me back saying, "what are you talking about? that was all just like a year ago." I said to him, "I know, but I think we've both just grown up in the past few months and I don't know if it'll ever really be like that again."

I hate sounding emo, but I truly and genuinely wonder...am I just doomed to sink farther in farther into an abyss of pessimism and lethargy the older that I grow? When I think about it, the majority of all my friends are about 23 or above. I express to them the terrifying feeling I get when I think about turning 20, to which they all reply: there's nowhere to go but down from here. Thanks guys.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly never saw myself growing old. Part of me thought I would always be a kid, because I didn't really know how to be anything but. I was always considered much more mature for my age than a lot of my peers, but I knew in my heart that I was just a kid inside. Now though, as true adulthood and independence are coming around the corner for me...I feel I am finally ready to accept it and take on all the responsibilities that I am obligated to.

I remember when my biggest concern was how I was going to get booze for the coming weekend or what I was going to wear the next day. Trivial things that I can't really comprehend how they were a legitimate worry for me. Now, my worries are all about academics, money, and what I'm going to do with my life. These days I have to think about "oh I have to get a job so I can pay my rent so I won't be homeless. I have to work really hard in school because I have to figure my life out so I can find a career and succeed." I admit, part of my depression recently has spawned from me coming to terms with growing up. Some people never really get the overwhelming feeling of fear that I have been plagued with, others know exactly what I am talking about. It sounds so fuckin' ridiculous, fear of turning 20. That's still so young! In fact I still have like 5 more months until I even turn 20 haha. But for me, it's a turning point. I'm at a place in my life right now where I'm finally ready to let go of my adolescence and take on the responsibilities of being an adult. It's a scary thing for me, but I'm man enough to handle it.

I do know one thing though, no matter how much I try to suppress it or fight it...I know that I will always be a kid at heart. As my main man Devendra Banhart once said, "from my womb to my tomb, I guess I'll always be a child." With that, I bid you good night.

Let's Play a Game

Guess that movie! Most of these are pretty easy if you know me.

Answer key:
1 ) Breathless
2 ) Vivre Sa Vie
3 ) Fallen Angels
4 ) Belle Du Jour
5 ) Coffee & Cigarettes
6 ) Me, You, and Everyone We Know
7 ) Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Personal favorites that I pass on to you. Get on that shit!

If You Want To Sing Out... Sing Out!

It is currently 3:54 am pacific standard time and I haven't felt such a rush of intense emotions for awhile. Well, that's partially a lie because for months now I have been really overly emotional about everything and everybody in my life. But while conversing with a friend tonight, I realized so many things about myself that I hadn't before. I would feel it a waste if I didn't at least try to write some of it down. First (of many) subjects (probably separated in different posts): Music.

Everybody knows I love music. It's one of the main topics I can talk about with the majority of people in my life that I feel really passionate about and that I almost always enjoy conversing about. I feel that pretty much everybody I know considers music a large part of their life in one way or another as well. I realized today though that there are very few people who I feel like I can connect with musically who understand exactly how I feel about it. There are different types of music fans in my mind.

1 ) The cool kid (not): one who listens to certain bands purely for the fact that they can say that they do. Rule # 1 - listen to as many obscure bands as possible!
2 ) The technical kid: there are those in my mind who really truly enjoy the technical aspects of music. Theory, chord progressions, etc.
3 ) The listener: those who just genuinely enjoy music for what it is, the way it sounds, the pleasantness (or lack thereof). Whatever floats your boat really!

I know that first generalization sounds pretty pretentious of me, but c'mon...we all know THOSE guys. I feel I do not know enough about the science of music to be the 2nd kid. And as for the 3rd kid, well...that can apply to 1, 2, and beyond. For me though, and this is said without snobbishness or pretentions, I sometimes feel like I'm almost in a relationship with music. There are times where I can't stand to listen to a certain song because it fuels me with so much emotion inside, then other times where I can't wait to get back to my computer so I can hear a certain diddy that makes me smile from ear to ear. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've come to realize in the past that I have fallen in love so hard with music that it's come to a point where it physically hurts sometimes. To love a song or a band so much that it just hits a certain part of you inside where it begins to make your heart clench.

I have many songs that do that. Whether it's just simply the way a song sounds, or whether it's because the lyrics just so perfectly describe how I'm feeling at that exact moment. I have songs for almost every pivotal experience I have ever gone through. The Moldy Peaches' Nothing Came Out will probably always describe how I felt as an adolescent. Camera Obscura's I Don't Want to See You describes how I always feel at the end of every break up, Mirah's Don't Die In Me describes so fucking perfectly how I feel about this one specific person. So many more from where that came from, but I don't want to figure out my life's mixtape at now 4:19 am.

Anyways, I feel that above else, I am the most passionate about music. Even though I am not a musician by any means, just listening to it puts me in a certain state that nothing else can do. I know I am passionate about other things. Film for example, or writing, or photography, or painting. I am in love with all these things, but I feel music still reigns above everything.

Now that I am nearing 20 and approaching my junior year in college, people keep telling me I need to figure out what I want to do. I can't use the excuse of "oh, i'm young! i still have plenty of time" cause seriously, that shit don't fly no more. I think the reason why I have been so picky about what I want to do as a career is because I haven't found something that I am equally as passionate about as music. And over all else, I refuse to settle. I refuse to work a 9-5 job that I hate where I have to sit in a cubicle and do god knows what for a living. I have always told myself this since I was 14 and I think it's always stuck in the back of my head. I figure that I want to write. I want to write about music, about film, about anything I give two shits about. The only thing I know how to do is art in different forms, that is it. At this point in my life, I'm trying to pave a path for myself where I can a ) figure out what it is exactly that I want to do and b ) succeed.

Growing up is tough. But it's gotta happen sometime. In 2 days, I've got to say goodbye to my childhood/adolescence. I'm becoming such an oldtimer.

We Started Nothing

My camera is fucked up, I don't know what happened. The picture above is obviously not mine, thanks google images.

Anyways, today I had an epic metro adventure and met up with Ryan in Hollywood. It was so funny to see someone from my Massachusetts life in my California life. Sometimes I feel like I lead two different lives, it's weird when the two collide. Anywho, we walked around Hollywood for a little bit, then headed downtown to eat lunch at the Standard. As much as I hate this word, I guess the only way I can describe it is "chic." I rode the train back to H-wood and dropped off Ryan then rode my ass home, which took about an hour. I stopped by Old Town to get (GUESS WHAT)...pinkberry! I haven't been able to get my mind off it for days, good to finally have my craving satisfied.

2 more days and I'm back to Amherst. YO! I'M READY ALREADY, I WANT TO BOUNCE! bah...

Swirly Goodness

Ohhh how I crave a big cup of pinkberry with strawberries, kiwis, and fruity pebbles. I refuse to leave LA before satisfying my craving.

I never knew how incapable I am of just sitting still. This is the first day since being home that I have spent laying around watching TV and sitting in front of my laptop. I've been on facebook an ungodly amount of times in the past few hours and watched some of the most mindless television I have ever encountered. My head hurts from laying here for so long. I would get up, but there's nothing to do.

I went to the social security office today with my mom to get my card replaced. That place is like the 9th circle of hell. It's running a close second to the DMV. Then I had dim sum (yum!) and played piano for over an hour. I wish I had a keyboard back in Amherst!

Tomorrow I am heading over to Hollywood to meet up with Mr. Ryan Dunn. I have a feeling something may go wrong, but here's to trying. Now, back to The Simpsons and Nick Diamonds.

LP3 in arm's way

I find that these days, it's very rare for me to get in to any new music. I feel bad saying it, but I've lost faith in a lot of bands that I used to love because all I hear these days is utter shit. I'm almost scared to listen to new albums of my favorite bands in fear that they will live up to the new trend of sucking that seems to be going on recently. Fortunately for me (and for you!), this isn't the case with Islands' new album Arm's Way & Ratatat's LP3. Out of all the new albums I have heard in the recent past, I can honestly say that they are the best I have heard in a long time. Both give me that feeling in the pit of my stomach that only happens when I hear a song that makes the corners of my lips curl into a smile. Having been obsessed with Return to Sea and Classics at one point or another, LP3 and Arm's Way live up to my expectations and more. They are both so different from the previous albums, but still stay true to the sound that made me fall in love with them in the first place.

Personal favorites off LP3: Falcon Jab, Mirando, Imperials, and Shempi (my #1 favorite)
Personal favorites off Arm's Way: Pieces of You, To A Bond, Creeper, Kids Don't Know Shit, and Vertigo (If It's A Crime). Actually, the whole damn album is great.

Hurrah! Get the leak.

Currently back in Los Angeles for 9 days. 5 of which have already gone by, 4 more to go. While here, I have already spent way too much money on food and material goods. Items bought:

unisex acid wash jersey deep v-neck from aa

knit suspender skirt from urban outfitters

denim leggings from ebay. 80% spandex, 20% denim!

Plus many more items that I would rather not spend the time trying to find pictures of on the internet. The weather has been rather gloomy here. I was hoping that upon my triumphant return, I would be greeted with 80 degree weather, but instead thunderstorms and chilly winds was what I got. I feel like everywhere I go, I bring the the rain. I hear the sun decided to come out right after I left Amherst, how typical.

Overall, I feel largely relieved by the fact that I will not be spending the next 3 and a half months here in LA. The novelty has worn off even in these past 5 days. As desperate as I was to come home after this past semester, I've gotten what I needed to out of this place and I am partially ready to head back to the valley now. Oh wait, I haven't gotten In&Out or Pinkberry yet. Well okay, after I finish THAT, I will have nothing else I need from here.

I will say this though: coming out of this second year of college, I have never felt more lost or confused, and I'm more than glad that I won't be doing my soul searching here in LA. It's funny that where I have to find myself is where I lost myself in the first place. Here's to you Amherst. Cheers.