Les Cieux Bleus

I think I've discovered a new love for cloud-watching.

I decided to go up to New York last weekend because as per usual, the valley was driving me insane. When I went to go see my new therapist last week, he had to stop me for a minute because he said that my brain was going a mile a minute and that I needed to "slow down." I've never been able to slow down. It is nearly impossible for me to just sit and pick at each individual thought that swims around in my brain. Everything overlaps, everything passes each other, I just. can't. stop. thinking. I've determined that this is why I've become a certified insomniac over the past 4 years, because my mind wont just shut up and let me be. Every morning I wake up and instantly start thinking about my problems, the things I have to get done, what to do in the long run, the past, etc etc. I can almost feel each little thought zooming by like streaks of light inside my brain.

On the way up to New York though, I remember sitting in the car with my roomates and experiencing this one moment of clarity that I will probably never forget. I had the side of my head pressed up against the glass of the window and my eyes pointed up at the sky. I watched each cloud go by, change shape, join, separate, etc. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's self-titled album was blasting from Isaac's ipod into the car's stereo system. I pulled down the window, put my hand outside of it, and just felt the wind dance between my fingers. As I mentioned in a previous post, I always feel like I'm in a movie when I see people do that. The minute my hands were no longer confined inside the car, I had no control over it anymore. The wind took it for all it had and I don't think I had ever felt so loose and relaxed in my entire life. I rested my head on the base of the window and closed my eyes and for once, I just felt so...clear. Like everything plaguing my mind finally just stopped and I didn't have to think for a minute, I could simply just feel. I could finally shut the fuck up and be in the moment and soak it in for all it was worth. I don't know if I'll get that feeling again for awhile, but here's to hoping...cause honestly, I'm back to square one.

Write What You Know

"And if real life was like the movies, I should have lived happily ever after."

The other night, I was driving back from Shutesbury from a dinner party with two friends. As I sat in the back seat of the car, I watched the two girls in front of me and tried to absorb the scene in as much as I could. The windows were pulled down and the summer breeze flew through the cracks of the glass. I turned my head and glanced over at one of the girls as she sang along and laughed, putting her hands outside the window to feel the push and pull of the cold air on her fingertips. The car was going so fast that all I could see when I looked outside were quick flashes of green as we drove away from the woods, back to what we knew as home. The sound of the wind blew out the thoughts in my brain as the strands of my hair danced to the music blaring out of the car speakers. The music was so loud, I couldn't think. All I could do was just sit back, put my lips to the tip of my clove, and inhale as I closed my eyes and put my head to the back of the seat. As I finally opened my eyes and licked the taste of cinnamon off my lips, I regained my reflections and thought to myself, "this is my movie."

I can't help but go through my days seeing every interaction I have as a scene out of a film. Sometimes things seem so surreal that when I take myself out of the situation and look in on it, I can't believe that this is my life. When I look in the mirror, similar thoughts begin to race in my head. Every time I examine my cold pale skin, almond colored eyes, and chubby lips, I feel like I'm looking at somebody else. It's as if I'm just a character, a character in my own movie and I'm not actually real.

I wouldn't really consider myself a cinephile, but I do know that one of my main escapes is film. Just being able to take myself out of my own life for a good 2 hours or so and to just shut the fuck up and listen to someone else talk for awhile. To listen to their thoughts, to experience their problems, to feel their happiness or sadness. I don't know what it is, but there's just something about watching a good film that makes me feel at ease. Maybe that's why whenever I experience those moments in my life where I feel like I'm in a movie, I hope to myself that maybe I'll get a happy ending too.

Let's go everywhere, even though we're scared. Cause it's life and it's happening, it's really really happening... right now.

The more one talks, the less the words mean.

Sometimes I get this feeling where it seems like everything in my life is black and white. I am in constant struggle between using my head and my heart and even though I know which one is right, I don't know how to go about making the "reasonable" and "smart" decision. Days have seemed longer recently, but I've been okay. There's just that lingering feeling of the color blue permeating somewhere in the caverns of my mind. I don't know, maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I applied for a second job writing film reviews for an indepedent movie company's blog. This was probably a bad idea considering writer's block is starting to take hold of me again.

I'll return to myself again. But till then, I suppose lyrics will have to do for now.

I’ve been sleeping so strange at night
Side effects they don’t advertise
I’ve been sleeping so strange
With a head full of pesticide
I got no plans and too much time
I feel too restless to unwind
I’m always lost in thought
As I walk a block to my favourite neon sign
Where the waitress looks concerned
But she never says a word
Just turns the jukebox on
And we hum along
And I smile back at her

I look forward to the few hours I have in my day where I can lay in bed, put on my headphones, and have my thoughts blared out of my head. Cause I know that somewhere out there, someone else is doing the exact same thing to escape.

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

This song does it to me every time.

it's devastating to reach that point where you want certain memories erased from your mind and specific emotions felt towards another to completely disappear, never again to emerge. what happened to living without regrets? this is truly a new low for me.

First things first.

Bo Diddley, December 30, 1928-June 2, 2008. Sad to see you go (even though he was kinda old).

Going to bed early and waking up just as early is a new thing for me. I haven't been able to sleep past 10 am since I've been back in amherst. Today I was up at 7:30, went to work for 6 hours, rode the bus into town to get lunch, came back to my house and read for awhile, made myself a salad, and here I am! Hurrah! I am no longer a waste of life. I am currently living out the life of a homebody and I am totally okay with that.

To be honest, I don't think I have felt this okay with myself for awhile. I should watch what I say though. Past evidence shows that every single time I say this, the shit will hit the fan soon after.

A Set of 22

Summer in Amherst so far...