The Earth Says Hello

Been a long time huh? I told you I'd come back when I was ready.

Truth: It is probably one of the most frightening, exciting, and unreal feelings to think that in about 3 months I will be spending a quarter of my year in Italy studying photography. Some may argue it is unreasonable for me to go, but honestly, I NEED to go. I NEED to be somewhere where I am inspired, where I am challenged. I just feel so stuck here in Amherst. The way I felt stuck back when I was 17 and on the brink of graduating high school. Only this time I don't have that bright new future to really look forward to, till now at least.

I am doing okay though. I think back at my mental state just a few short months ago and I don't know how I even made it out fine. I was such a mess; I feel like my mind broke in that period of time. I think it just proves that in the end, I will be okay. I am strong, I can do this.

A certain someone from my past contacted me recently. I don't know how to handle this. The feelings aren't there anymore, but I can't help but feel the slightest tingle of excitement and curiosity as to how its going to be when I see him. I realized he is the only person I know now who has no idea what has gone on in my life since high school. I hope he is doing well, I guess I can find out for myself soon enough. I still remember the smile on his face when I would make him laugh back when I was only 16.

Blah

Y'know, it's strange.

I don't think I've ever had my life so together. I am incredibly focused in school right now, I have a steady job, and I am on my way to going abroad to Italy in just a few months. I did everything I wanted to do this summer and yet... I don't think that I've felt this alone in a really long time. It seems like nothing ever does it for me anymore. I feel like I have nothing, nobody I can really trust, nobody I really care for at all. There is never any consistency in my life & I always just feel so stuck. I went to go see my therapist today and he told me that he was very proud of me and that I really have grown up and matured since he first met me. Although that was good to hear, I had to ask him, "...then why do I still feel so empty and sad inside?" I guess you can't have everything.

With that said, old habits always seem to have a way of creeping up on me again.

Today...

Today was going along fine. I woke up in a good mood, didn't fall asleep at my job, and got a lot of work done. I was hoping it would be a good day, that's all I've been wanting.

Then I came home and saw something I shouldn't have looked at on the internet and the deep sinking feeling in my chest started to happen and that's when the panic kicked in. After pacing around my room frantically, taking a hot shower, and 2 klonopins later, I thought I'd be fine. Then I laid down in my bed and decided to write for the first time in a really long time. Not in here, but in my own personal written journal. I thought getting everything out would be good, then all of a sudden I couldn't control it anymore and the next thing I knew my pillow was stained with tears and I couldn't move my body. I've been doing so well, why couldn't I have just stayed this way?

I noticed recently that when I start to open up about my feelings and my life, I can't look at the person I am talking to in the eyes. As I was crying and spilling my guts out in therapy once, my therapist stopped and asked me "why are you hiding from me?" Maybe it's because I don't want people seeing me like that. Maybe it's because I don't feel justified in feeling the way that I do. Sad, broken, lost, pathetic. Poor little girl right? Her life is so hard. The sarcasm loaded in that fragment notes how I don't feel entitled to feel the way I feel about anything. If I'm sad, I don't feel it's right to simply just feel that way, I have to fix it. All these little problems I always feel like I have to "fix" when really, I just need to calm the fuck down. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

It's so hard for me to word out how I feel about anything and anybody anymore. But I guess feeling that heavy feeling in my heart and shedding those tears showed me that at least I'm not broken.

It's Come To This

I don't have much to say anymore, for now at least. I'll let you know when I do.

"The will to blog is a complicated thing, somewhere between inspiration and compulsion. It can feel almost like a biological impulse. You see something, or an idea occurs to you, and you have to share it with the Internet as soon as possible. What I didn’t realize was that those ideas and that urgency — and the sense of self-importance that made me think anyone would be interested in hearing what went on in my head — could just disappear."

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'll be back when the time comes.

Long Time No Write.

I'm sorry blog for having ignored you for almost a month. It seems I'm no good with words anymore, at least for now. It's okay, some things are better left unsaid (or in this case, unwritten). It seems that whenever I am feeling "okay," the less I have to say. The past 3 weeks have been coming in waves and sometimes, I feel so lost that I don't even know where I began.

However, also in the past 3 weeks I have discovered what it's like to finally do things completely and solely for myself, whutta feeling. I'm so tired of putting everybody before me and always making sure everybody else is happy even if I'm not. Also, I met a girl who has solely made me regain faith that there are good people out there. She left this morning, I miss her terribly. But I will possibly be moving in with her in manhatten in about 2 weeks. The valley is starting to drive me insane again.

Oh, and I got a tattoo. It took 3 hours, but I am happy with it. I can feel a fresh start in the stars for me. I hope I didn't just jinx myself.

But anyways, sometimes pictures say more than words so here is a collection of photographs of my life since the last time I updated.










There are more where that came from, but unfortunately I have to go catch my favorite form of public transportation, the wonderful world of umass transit, to go into town and get some work done. I promise it won't be another month before I update again. Au Revoir.

Mirror/Mask

As each day goes by, I see more and more the mask that people put on and the characters they try to emulate. A modern day Jack Kerouac. A real life Holden Caulfield. A live action Max Fischer. Your imitations aren't who you are. This isn't a movie, it's not a book that'll leave you stone faced in the final chapter. This is life and it's really fucking happening and in the end, you can't hide from who and what you really are. It makes me wonder, what's real in people and what's just a facade? Maybe I'll never know. Maybe that's just people for ya.

look back with no remorse

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight